Things I Learned Last Night

Despite being on the verge of illness, I decided to head into Brooklyn for a show. After all, it was that or stay home alone and be bored. Within five minutes of being there I witnessed a girl crying on the sidewalk, which is always an awkward situation. From past experiences I’ve learned that one should always wait a bit before trying to console her. This instance was a perfect example of why you follow that rule. Her boyfriend stumbled out of the bar, sloppily grabbed her up, and started moving down the street. After getting about five feet, he pushed her into a corner and they both started spitting in each other’s faces, but not in a mean way. No, it was bizarrely intimate. Nevertheless, I took some lessons out of the night and made a list, which you’ll find after the jump. Feel free to share any life lessons of your own in the comments.

If a girl is crying, don’t be the nice guy right away. Wait a minute. Shit might get weird.

Bald guys with beards like striped sweaters.

If you’re ever considering not going to something cool because you don’t feel well, go anyway.

People from San Francisco are really nice.

Giant American flags are great backdrops, even if America has lost its way.

Guinness is basically medicine.

Daniel Johnston covers are better than Daniel Johnston originals.

British people are funny in weird ways.

Black guys can trip over wires smoothly.

I’m pretty awesome at parallel parking.

I should probably live in the city instead of the country.

When white people dance they overuse the spin.

Ironic slam dancing is greater than genuine slam dancing.

Cranberry trail mix and whiskey tastes like apple pie–really, it does.

Temper expectations: let people think you might be borderline autistic. They’ll be impressed constantly.

Hipsters are not actually hip. Just super cynical.

Chapstick: it’s fucking amazing.

No matter what the actual context, during a break up every song you hear reminds you of her.

And finally, you can learn a lot in a night if you pay attention.

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