The Asshole’s Guide to Driving

If you’re reading this you are an elite driver. Sadly, as a result of your superior skill set behind the wheel of an automobile you may often find yourself misunderstood when executing expert level maneuvers on the road. Commoners simply can’t comprehend what you’re doing because face it, they are terrible drivers. But don’t fret. This list will hopefully serve the purpose of enlightenment for those gimgobs, who just don’t get it. Then again, they are utterly stupid creatures so there are no guarantees. Nevertheless, it is your duty to share this with as many people in the hopes that we can once and for all put an end to the bad driving.

  1. Blinkers: Ain’t nobody got time for that.
  2. When pulling out in front of somebody it is important to maintain a speed that is 15mph below the speed limit. This is for their own good.
  3. If you are stuck behind two cars because the lead car is driving below the speed limit it is crucial that you relentlessly high beam the car in front of you.
  4. When changing lanes always do so aggressively and without warning. This will keep other drivers on their toes and as you know situational awareness is the key to elite driving.
  5. At 4-way intersections you always have the right of way.
  6. Yield signs, like most roadway signage, are in place solely for incompetent people. Never yield. Instead, accelerate rapidly.
  7. You may have heard of something called the “Zipper Effect”. This form of etiquette was created by timid and weak drivers. Do not ever participate because remember, you always have the right of way.
  8. Despite what stupid things like the law say, the shoulder is for passing.
  9. When a red light turns green, if the person in front of you does not immediately move honk violently. Their text message can wait.
  10. Not only are you an elite driver, but as a result an elite person. This means you probably have great taste in music so make sure you crank up the tunes to maximum volume anytime you are stopped. This will drown out the music of nearby drivers and show them what good music actually is.
  11. When turning off of a 50mph road, it is important to come to a complete stop before executing the turn.
  12. If you can still see clearly, even though the sun has set, there’s absolutely no need to waste energy turning on your headlights. Not only are you an elite driver but an environmentalist as well.
  13. Flipping someone off is the proper way of instilling guilt and shame into a driver, who clearly isn’t on your level.
  14. Be a job creator. If your car has accumulated garbage just throw it out the window. Someone will clean it up.
  15. If a line for an exit is backed up, simply drive to the front. People will let you in because it will be clear you are a very important person.
  16. When driving in a tunnel do not mind the solid lines. They are there for the bad drivers. Change lanes at your leisure.
  17. The only way to keep traffic flowing is to ride one foot from the bumper of the car in front of you.
  18. Lined spaces in parking lots are merely a suggestion for where to park.

Add your own in the comments below.

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