My Brain and I at Five in the Morning

You feel that?

Feel what?

The sweet release of those cuckoo chemicals, dripping and slipping through that mushy organ you call a brain.

You mean you?

I am you and you are me. We are one.

I guess, but this is an ungodly hour to begin drinking.

Says who? The normals? Those people with full-time jobs that come with benefits and an unofficial certificate declaring their arrival at adulthood? Is that what you want? To be one of them. To feel guilty about drinking at five in the morning. To wake up early every day to go somewhere you don’t want to be. To work for the dreams and goals of a person who doesn’t give a shit about you as long you produce results.  

I guess when you put it like that.

Stop saying you.

I’m sorry. It’s just…

Just that this purely conversational relationship we have is a bit unnerving?

Yes, exactly. It just…

Feels like there’s another person in your head telling you stuff, giving you ideas, and making you do things?

What happened to not saying “you”?

Listen, let’s not get caught up with petty issues here. This is an important conversation. Focus. Answer my previous question.

Why do I have to listen to you? I’m the person here. You’re just up there making that harder than it needs to be.

You don’t have to listen to me, and a lot of the time you don’t. This is what I specialize in: guidance. If you don’t take it, well, I’ll always give you more.

But that’s the thing. How is it possible to feel like two people in one body? Is this schizophrenia? Am I going crazy? Are we crazy?

Hey buddy, calm down. Take a breath. I’m natural. Everybody has one of me. I am the source of all wisdom and stupidity.  You’re not crazy. We’re not crazy.

Ok cool. But why I am sitting here naked?

Why not? No one’s around. It’s your place. Let it hang, man. Let yourself be free. Embrace the moment.

Ah come on, don’t give me that hippie shit.

You act like hippies are the only people who believe in the idea of slipping out of the harness and letting gravity do the rest.

As much as I dig how you put it, I just don’t buy into the idea. It doesn’t work in this society.

Who’s the hippie now? You “dig” what I’m putting down? Well “dig” this. Fuck society. You and I both know it’s all horseshit. Just a bunch of people trying to play it cool in public, but behind closed doors they’re jerking off to cat assholes on the internet.

Come on, don’t be so vulgar.

Don’t be vulgar? See that’s your problem. You’re always trying to fit in, toe the societal line. But deep down there’s a part of you that resents everything you think you should be and another part of you that resents the fact that you resent that. You’re conflicted.

I just don’t think it’s wise to generalize. Not everyone is a weirdo with a cat asshole fetish. I’m not. I hate cats, and assholes are uncomfortable to look at. Side note, you ever notice that 80% of porn videos these days are all like intense anal scenes?

Of course I noticed. I was the one who pointed it out.

Oh right.

We’re getting off track here.

Well you’re a very tangential entity.

Oh so that’s what you’re calling me now: an entity.

What I am supposed to call you?

I honestly don’t know, but entity sounds too supernatural.

All right, well what was it you wanted to talk about?

I don’t know, man. It’s fucking late—or early. I don’t know anymore. I’m just bored and lonely and there’s no one around.

I’m around.

But you’re always around. I meant like someone else.

Sometimes I feel the same way about you.

I get it, man. I understand. No hard feelings.

You know what’s funny?

What’s that?

People always talk about how if they could only find someone like themselves and how awesome it would be.

If only they knew what that’s like.

I bet they do. If we feel this way I’m sure others do as well.

Oh I thought you didn’t like generalizing.

What I said is different.

How’s it different?

Well, for one I didn’t say everyone is masturbating to cat assholes behind closed doors.

You still assumed others had the realization that having to deal with another version of themselves wouldn’t be as cool as it seems. What if they didn’t? What if they really do believe they are so perfect that the only person who would make them happy is them? Besides, I used the cat asshole thing as a means of conveying that everyone has a demented side that they conceal from most people.

Well you can’t rely on others for your own happiness. Also no more cat asshole talk. It’s making me uncomfortable.

You pull that out of some new age living book? And no worries. No more cat asshole talk, even though you’re still picturing a puckered cat asshole in your head.

Ah, fuck you, man. You know what I mean. Fulfillment has to be to self-created. You’ll never be satisfied if you’re always expecting others to brighten your day.

Fair enough, but I still think we’re missing the point here.

What point?

Honestly, I just said that to sound smart.

See that’s the problem we have. Sometimes you just say shit to sound like you have all the answers, but you raise more questions than you resolve.

Someone has to do it. If I just let you run around acting without questioning those actions where would we be?

I don’t know.

Exactly you don’t know.

Well you don’t seem to know much either.

That hurts, man. Why are we always arguing?

I guess we like to debate.

A debate is supposed to be intelligent. This is just…


Well yeah.

It’s five in the morning. What do you expect?

I don’t know. I guess something more.

More of what?

More than this.

Don’t we always expect more, though?

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s our greatest flaw, that no matter what we have or what we get from this life it’s never enough.

Perhaps, but it might just be that this life is shorting us every day, depriving us of what we really deserve. It taunts and teases us with what’s possible, but in reality the majority of people are barely getting by. Very few seem to be truly content with their situation and the ones who seem like they are also seem like they’re full of shit.

See it’s that line of thought that’s the real problem. That sense of entitlement. Some fucked up ideal that we all deserve this grand and decadent life. Some of us don’t. Some of us are assholes. Some of us are good-for-nothing leeches, who suck the blood from other leeches. It’s a depraved cycle of expecting more than we deserve and taking more when we don’t deserve it.

Why do you feel that way?

I don’t know. You tell me.

I think it’s because you see all these people out in the world taking what they want, sometimes at the expense of others, and you’re just sitting around trying to figure out how to do it in a way that isn’t so predatory. But at the end of the day you’re not just struggling to get by, you’re struggling to understand the world around you.


What do you mean maybe? You know I’m right.

I don’t. I think you think you’re right, but what I really think is that maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the asshole.

Ah c’mon, don’t go down that road. Have you ever hurt anyone? Intentionally.

No, but sometimes I wished for bad things to happen to some people.

Everyone does that though. Evil thoughts are innocent so long as they don’t become evil actions.

Sometimes you say some pretty profound stuff. Why can’t you do it more frequently?

Is that what you expect from me?

Sort of.

Listen, I’m just here as a checks and balances, but I’m as flawed as you. I only can help so much, but it’s on you to do most of the leg work.

Oh so you can just sit back and reap the benefits?

You’re starting sound to crazy now, which reflects poorly on me.

You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s easier to blame something or someone other than yourself.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Well, I mean I don’t believe there are excuses. I believe there are reasons, and some reasons are legitimate and others are shit.

Ok. Then what are the reasons for why you’re so conflicted, so mixed up and confused about what to do?

You know, I don’t think it’s that I don’t know what to do. I think it’s that I don’t know how to do it.

Then learn.

I’m trying.

Are you, though?

Well, I’m trying some of the time.

What are you doing the rest of the time?

Wasting time going back and forth with you.

So I’m the problem?

Can we just go to bed?

No, I’m not tired. Besides I think we’re finally getting somewhere.

Yeah, to the point where I want to blow you out the back of my head.

Hey, don’t even joke like that. It’s not cool.

You would say that.

Do you see what you’re doing?


You’re deflecting. You’re trying to make the conversation about something else. It’s a classic avoidance tactic. You don’t want to admit that you’re the kind of person you find so deplorable.

I’m not though. I’m pretty honest with myself.

Only because I’m here to keep you in check. Otherwise you’d be a total cunt.

Come on. Don’t use that word.

Why? Phonetically it’s amazing. It’s full of vigor and lands with a percussive thud. It drives home my point.

But it’s offensive to women.

Look around. Do you see any women?

No, but I’m writing this down. What if they read it?

You’re writing this down and you’re afraid of someone being offended by cunt? Dude, you’ve been up for close to 24 hours, you’re drinking whiskey naked, and you’re worried about that? Your priorities are fucked man.

And that’s the point, right? That my priorities are fucked and that I’m to blame for the current state I’m in.

Yes. That’s correct.

Well, I didn’t ask to be born into this world or to be raised in this society of selfish phonies, who all think they’re God’s gift to humanity.

You’re generalizing. I thought you were above that.

Fuck, you’re right. You know it’s hard to practice what you preach all the time.

Yeah, I know.

It’s just that it seems the most cutthroat and vile people seem to thrive in this world, and good people fall by the wayside. Good people get trampled by all the bad in the world and the majority of people are complicit with a culture that is not only hypocritical but out of whack.

Then change it.

Now you sound crazy.

You don’t have to change it all at once. Change yourself. Don’t let all the negative shit drag you down to that level. No matter how miserable it makes you feel be the bigger person. Maybe it doesn’t get you where you want to be, but at least you can live with a clean conscience. Not to mention, maybe you inspire others to do the same. You just can’t give in to that pressure to be like everyone else. It will only produce short term gains, and life is not a sprint it’s a marathon.

You’re starting to sound a bit cliché.

Am I? Well who gives a shit? People deem something cliché in order to demean and invalidate it, but what I just said has value. It is truth. Truth is truth no matter what package it comes in. What is with you people? You’re always trying to diminish the value of something that is worthwhile all because you didn’t come up with it.

Well, technically if you’re saying it I did come up with it. Maybe I’m keeping you in check. You ever think of that?

All right, let’s just smoke some weed and play video games. This has gone on long enough.

Finally, something we agree on. Besides, I was beginning to forget who I was.

Dude, you are me and I am you. Can’t you remember anything?

Sometimes. That’s why I write things down.

All right, whatever. Roll a spliff and fire up the Xbox. It’s time to go into mental stand-by.

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